Morons among us

Want to know why there are Unions? Because most mid-level managers are absolute door-knobs. The good middle managers (there are no good VP's or higher in Corporations since they hold the same position as blood sucking lawyers) are usually fired for fear of actually moving a product or company ahead or, God forbid, showing leadership.


Unions were needed a long time ago because these door-knobs took it upon themselves to actually threaten and sometimes, even cause the death or dismemberment of their employees. Today, the door-knobs don't have that power. They're basically mousey, not to bright individuals who steal catch phrases from their underlings to make themselves sound pithy. They learn the "lingo" like "P&L Statement" or "EBITDA", and throw it around until someone accepts them for possibly knowing what they're talking about. But the jokes on you - they haven't a clue.

By not having a clue, they are usually promoted for their pithy comments and "play it safe" methods. They rarely make a mistake because they rarely do anything at all! Golf and business travel are NOT work. Meetings are a necessity but those meetings are usually a swirling mish-mash of tangents that produce a lot of talking, very little listening and NO common sense. The result is a comment like "This was a very good meeting! I feel like we accomplished a lot!" Check that one for the next promotion meeting!

These blood suckers are demanding self centered ass-hats that can't think themselves out of a peanut butter sandwich, but who make >$100k at the low to mid level, and above the $200k in higher level. VP's make much more and do oh so much less. They're existance is delegating work to others and then making them change it 100 times because they're not sure if the heading should be in Times New Roman 16 or Arial bold 14.

The other shocker is you can't talk to them. If you don't spoon feed them information over a period of a week or two prior to really getting into the details, they have the "deer in the headlights" look and then they freak out, get confused, look for their crib notes of pithy come backs or just start yelling to cover up their lack of IQ. Remember, these are the people who will determine YOUR bonus and raise at the end of the year! YAY! Sometimes they're loud and obnoxious and just roll over you with their volume. Sometimes they're the tall "Woody Allen" types who stammer and sweat and confuse easily. Most times they interject absurd ideas that make normal people roll their eyes. The kiss asses who pander to these door-knobs are probably the worst people on the planet.

I can't blame some though. These are the people who are getting paid a fair wage and simply can't afford to loose their job by blurting out, "BWAHAHAHA. You really think THAT idea will generate more money! Wait wait! Would you like to buy a bridge!!" followed by more snickering and a walk out of the office by security.

I'm having these fantasy's recently that involve a room packed full of these middle managers and VP's discussing the finer points of how not to get a damn thing done. I stand up and pace the floor and start off telling them they're spinless morons who need to go back to business 101. How they can't focus, can't execute a plan and talk too much. They should be listening first. They should be throwing away useless idiotic processes that cause problems and they should stop firing the people who actually know that they heck is going on and how to get things done! That they don't only identifies them as ass-hats who deserve nothing less than jail time, since they're defrauding their own company by posing as an employee. I then take off my stupid access badge and toss it on the table and announce "I'm on vacation for the next two weeks", hand over my PC and have a little talk with Darby our security guard on the way out.

While others have shared a more personal fantasy:
- Calling their boss a #&%&@!@#)!! over and over for 5 minutes during their exit interview
- Taking a dump on the bosses desk (kinda gross if you ask me)
- Mooning their boss during a meeting
- Playing fart sounds on a phone conference call whenever the boss speaks (I like that one!)
- Calling the boss from Jamaica and telling him what he can do with his job while snuggling to a very attractive young lady (yes I cleaned that one up).

Here's a resignation letter I'm thinking of modifying to accurately get my point across.




Dear [Recipient's name]:

Yesterday I woke up and realized that this is the worst career experience for anyone, even a eunich. Therefore, I'm officially notifying you of my resignation from [company name]. My last day will be today.

This company has a littany of problems. [insert littany here]

On top of that, I can't stand to work for you any longer. You, alone, have been a constant source of pain and suffering for me ever since I started this job. Your walk and parts of speech are sheer agony. I can't understand how you made it this far in the professional community, let along get up on the morning and even function on a basic human level.

Today is a great day for me. I will never have to see, hear or listen to you ever again. If we do happen to run into each other I will make sure to treat you like a mouldy piece of trash being used as toilet paper by a bum.

Warmest Regards,

[Your Signature]




While all these are very nice, I prefer my fantasy. It gets rid of any loyalty that may still be clinging on. It provides lots of witnessess which will be good water cooler talk for at least a day or two. It puts my leaving in the "lore" of the company - so many years later the last two employees will reminisce about the time "so and so" left and they laugh and wish they did it too. Ahhh... yes. The good old days.


Thinking of telling your boss where to put it??

I recommend the following reading: Bad Bossology