Saturday, February 25, 2006

Top 10 things Islamic countries need



[Tags: Top 10, Islam, Muslim, protests



Yes, it's been a few weeks since I've posted. In between fighting with my ISP and trying to digest all the happenings going on, as well as moving my office, I just haven't had much time to post something coherent. However, now that (I hope) my ISP issues are cleared up - here's what I've been thinking about: A Top Ten list of needs for these poor bastards living in the Middle East. Without much ado... let's get right to the list shall we?

(Please note, most of these items do not apply to the following countries, as I've been there and they're not that bad)
Turkey
Israel



Number 10: GUN CONTROL



I'm a big Second Amendment fanatic here in the U.S., but if anyone needs a George Soros or an IANSA involvement it's Iraq, Iran, et.al. It seems like you can buy RPG's at the local Swami-Mart for a few sheckles and while sipping tea and getting a hummus facial, learn the fine art of Semtex and electric fuses. These people having automatic weapons and rocket propelled grenades is like giving the good 'ol boys two cases of warm Genesee and a box of outlawed firecrackers.

Number 9: Toilets



I shouldn't have to explain this one - however it seems like these folks simply don't have indoor plumbing and still rely on a goat and some dried bladders to pail out water. Squatting in a dirt hole during a camping excursion is one thing, pinching a loaf in a hole on your nice new dirt floor and dirt house seems a little, well, uncivilized. Let's face it, the ROMANS had indoor plumbing over 3000 years ago, as they had BATHS, and were great at putting together stone roads (not just dirt ones), they also were instrumental in irrigation and aquaducts. Someone really should tell these folks that...

Number 8: Toilet Paper



Yes, with toilets, you get bio-degradable toilet paper. Say "so long" to the days of wiping your arse with your right hand and not washing it - and then snickering when shaking hands with those "stupid Americans". Yes, your poopy handshake is just a riot. I think the Western Europeans stopped doing that around the 1600's, the Far East even before that.

Number 7: Education



Contrary to what many Imam's and Mosques think, the following are NOT skills you can easily transition into outside of Jihad:

Flag Burning 101
Shoe Smacking 103
Chanting and Jumping (Lab)
AK-47 Firing 101
SemTex and C-4 201 (Chanting and Jumping Lab Pre-requisite)
Small Arms and RPG (Lab)
IED building (Field Study)
Allah Akbar Yelling (Small Arms and RPG Pre-Requisite)
Cell phone fuses and switches (IED Building Pre-Requisite)



You get the idea. Instead of learning about the "Infidels" and hating everyone and everything for simply being there - how about doing what people did in the Middle East oh say, 2000 years ago? Study of philosphy, mathamatics, culture. The tolerance 2000 years ago was much broader and well accepted in the Islamic world than today. It'll be a difficult thing to get a job with GE when you keep blowing up your cubicle with that mercury switch and blast caps.

Number 6: Jobs




The reason there so much shooting and protesting is because these people have no jobs. If they were busy making a living, they wouldn't have time to get so darned excited about everything and anything. No time to dust off the PKM and shoot in the air and be outraged at cartoons they haven't actually seen. Hell, American's don't have time to pee at work let alone take time off to pull the "zelots" from their cars and murder them on video tape. I can hear the talk around the huka now:

Ali Abi: Allah be praised! I wish I had time to cut some throats of some infidels but I'm swamped! Ali Muduba's got me swamped with Koran propaganda slogans until Thursday!
Muhamid: I know, I just told Buji the same thing. I wanted to jump and yell Allah Akbar (PBUH) in front of the infidel news camera's and scare some westerners. No luck.
Ali Abi: Let's shoot Ali Muduba and go get some!


Number 5: Soap



Why is it that these people don't wash? I mean, soap has now been around the world in one form or another since 1500 B.C., in more or less the modern version, since the 17th century by Ernest Solvay by using soda ash to make inexpensive soap. Now the Middle East may have many deserts and it may be an arid region, that doesn't excuse it from smelling like arse, nor for it's people to have B.O. beyond belief. One thing that would help that country immensely is the import of all sorts of soap, buckets and brushes and some instructions on it's use. I think one of the reasons they are so angry all the time is because they are mad at each other for smelling so bad and must take that anger out on the West for not teaching them the secret of soap. Using soap will also help with the poopy hands, as well, would assist in cleaning bodies, clothes, surfaces, etc. Here's a solution: America exports AMWAY, in which case the Middle East gets enough soap to choke themselves for decades, learns about pyramid schemes and capitalism all in one shot!

Number 4: Deodorant



Arid X-tra Dry, BAN, Speedstick, etc. Both Anti-Perspirant and Deodorant models are needed (See #5 above). Once they clean themselves they can deodorize their pits. This will help those brown stains under their burkas and white man-dresses. This will also take some of their anger away since they won't have to smell each others B.O. all the time.

Number 3: A Wal-Mart



Wal-Mart is a happy place - the Middle East needs some happy injections and Wal-Mart is just the ones to do it. How mad can Abu Muhammad Barin Al Killalot be when he greets the family from across the mosque into an air-conditioned and heated Wal-Mart with a "Hello and Welcome to Wal-Mart!" in arabic? Here's where you can get the designer burka's for prices not seen since 1994, and inexpensive dates and figs by the pound!

Number 2: A Sense of Humor



Here's where Hollywierd can play a part. America exports some of our tried and true sit-coms and provides every family free cable service. America doesn't have to pipe in pro-Western propoganda, we just need the Islamic versions of:

Cheers - called "Houka's Place"
A bunch of lazy men sit around the tent and smoke houka's while their wives work their fingers to the bone in the fields planting poppy for the heroine blackmarket, all the while getting into all sorts of hijinx!

Friends - called "Oh those Infidels"

A group of young jihadists are rooming in the same dirt dwelling, while watching the "ugly western guy" from their 3rd story wall-hole, and trying to live out the liberal fanatic life while hanging out at the tea shop. Sui plays the Oud and has some very funny songs she plays at the tea house like "I killed your pagan mother" and "Cut your throat". What a laff!



Really, these folks need to laugh a little bit, maybe even some of the game shows, or even translated cartoons for the kids. It seems a drag to keep your nose in the Koran and learning why American's are the devil incarnate all the time!

And the Number 1 thing Islamic Countries need: Liberals



Yes, we need to start exporting some liberalism over to these countries. Get them to stop with the "blowing themselves up" so they can get some from the 72 virgins already. Here, have a Playboy already! I think these folks are so sexually frustrated, they go absolutely insane and just want to get laid! Who better to show them the ways of the liberal world than... a liberal?! If we can get these fanatics to just loosen up a little bit, they may just have a chance! Let's face it they could use some fashion sense (the black full-body covering in the summer must be murder), the moral police with the whipping of women who are walking around without a man, women's driving and voting rights and maybe even a little touchy feely behind the minaret before noon prayers by the youngsters could be a good thing! Liberals would be seen more as "heathen" than actual enemies, and therefor would probably be more accepted and killed later than conservatives who may try to convert these folks to Christianity.


While I've taken a very tongue and cheek view at this top ten list - ultimately the point is these people need to lighten up for crying out loud. My prediction is they will ultimately take this too far, uniting the West against the Middle East. It's fine right now with all the rioting and burning taking place in relatively out of the way areas and countries. See what happens when London is nuked, or Paris burns for 6 months, Hamburg kidnappings and killings rise 500% or New York is bombed again. All I can say is these people will feel a huge hurt - I love it when the weaklings in the West get all scared about these riots. It's frankly very amusing to read and watch. Let's not forget that in a knock down and drag out fight - the only thing keeping these rioters alive is the moral fiber of the West and our sense of "civility". Were it the other way around and these radical islamists were in power and the Europeans and America were rioting under their rule - we'd be well on our way to being exterminated, making the holocaust look like a small barbacue. There's no doubt in my mind they would pay little mind. There's nothing for us to be scared of from these dirt dwelling, poopy handed and smelly people. Where it to come to another World War - it would be over before it started.

Missed Top 10 items:

- Fashion Sense
- Asphalt
- Non-dirt floors
- A New Religion
- Something other than Oil and heroin exports

Got more - post 'em up!