Breakthrough on Women!

It's finally happened. All those impossible cues, the misdirection and double-speak men just never seem to understand has been (at least partially) decoded. That's right, even during down time in WWII, the codebreakers in Britain were unable to fathom the complex cues and codes women used to communicate. Now, it's starting to become clear. Of course there's also a male version, which I will also post at a later time, but for now, I'm giddy with excitement to try these out. Granted, scientists probably know more dolphin words translated from those clicks and snaps - but hey, it's a start! If they don't work, it's not my fault... really. Don't email. I'm serious.

Translation Start

--You want = You want

--We need = I want

--It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

--Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

--We need to talk = I need to complain

--Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

--I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.

--I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.

--You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

--You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

--I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

--Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

--This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.

--The car is empty = Go fill it up

--The trash is full = Take it out

--The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong

--I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

--I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

--Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

--I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

--Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

--How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

--I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

--Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

--You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

--Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

--Please walk me home = Let's go make out.

--It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.

--Yes = No

--No = No

--Maybe = No

--I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

--Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.

--Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

--I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

--All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?


In response to "What's Wrong?":

--The same old thing. = Nothing.

--Nothing. = Everything.

--Everything. = My PMS is acting up.

--Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.

--I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.

--What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.

--Let's go on vacation, like a cruise or Tuscany = We can't afford to go on vacation! Mother was right about you all along!