Manspeak or "It's so simple"

Really - what women really mean when they communicate is more like an ancient language that is just as much art as it is science to translate. Many different cues and clues need to be taken into account when communicating with women in order to properly decipher their true meaning. For example:

Woman: I think we should take a vacation.

A simple request and sentence with simple english associated with it. A typical man would think, "Ah, I guess she wants to go on vacation!" Braaap! Wrong. Here's what you should do in case this ever comes up in a conversation:

Step 1: What is she doing when she made that statement?
- Is she looking at a vacation book or a womans magazine? If so, this may be a passing comment without real merit. Question her further in a day or two to see if she's really serious. (See step 4 on what to do then). Humor her, even if you just spent the last $200 at the go-go bar the night before. Look interested.

Step 2: Is she near you and/or is this after a serious conversation (snuggling/kissing involved).
- Take this more seriously - complement her on her insight and say how wonderful she is even if that $200 above is still true. This may mean you'll need to accompany her to the travel agent or shell out $50 for a bunch of travel magazines. Tell her you'll look up some prices on the net.

Step 3: Was she looking straight at you when she made the statement?
- If yes, do the things in Step 2. If no, blow it off until it comes up again (and it probably will if she's serious or not).

Step 4: She mentions the vacation again after a few days, and her body language seems serious and she's looking at you when she makes the statment.
- Okay, this may mean that she really wants to go on a vacation, but you can't be 100% sure yet. Start mentioning specifics like "the super bowl" or the "Ford Museum" or "Indy 500" and see what she says. If she agrees or nods with any of those, she's obviously drunk or not really serious (or possibly a man). If she counters with "like hell..." or "how about Cancun" see Step 5.

Step 5: It's now 7-10 days after the initial mention of a vacation. Fake her out by telling her you've booked a cruise to the Cancun and have to finalize everything with the travel agent:
- If you actually did this, it's a 50-50 shot that she'll argue with you that you don't have enough money, that she can't take time off from work, or that no one is available to watch the cat/dog/hamster (whatever). This could mean 2 things:
A.)She's pissed because you did this on your own and she wouldn't be caught dead in the Bahamas and really wanted to go to Belize, and how could you be so stupid to think that she wanted to go to Cancun after the last time she was sick for a week and got sun poisoning and how could you be so selfish to not ask her first! Boy did you screw up!
B.)She wasn't really serious and where did you get a crazy idea that she wanted to go on vacation? Who's going to ______. (Fill in the blank). Most of these conversations end with something you did/said 10 years ago or more, while talking on the phone to her after a weekend bender with your fraternity, and "you don't listen to me at all do you? After all this time you still don't know me." Uh-huh.
- If she's happy about you making these plans this could be 2 of the most popular answers:
C.)She really wanted to go on vacation! (Bravo - you got lucky!)
D.) She's being magnanomous and is acting like she's happy because you really are clueless and she doesn't want to shatter your already fragile ego.

As you can see, daily communication with a woman about domestic issues can be quite challenging. I would suggest getting a degree in animal husbandry before even attempting to speak with a woman about such advanced subjects as "a vacation". Some other conversations to avoid are (short list):
- In laws (or family of any kind)
- Money
- Her friends
- Her ex boyfriends
- Her appearance (really, don't even attempt this unless you've got 10 years + experience.
- Vacation (see example above)
- Housework
- Drinking (beer brewing, buying, selling or consuming of...)
- Sporting events (Live or televised)
- What happened at work today (you must be interested in their stories, they snooze on yours)


As you can see, there are many pitfalls when communicating with women. Which leads us to:

HOW MEN COMMUNICATE

This is fairly simple. Men use the WYSIWYG method. If they say, "I want to go on vacation" for example, the meaning translates to, "I want to go on vacation and have sex and eat." Keep a man oversexed and fed, he's yours for life. Really simple. He'll put up with a lot of other stuff to even consider leaving. So with that, I've copied and pasted from another website without their permission, the Mens version of translated communication. Obviously this was written by a woman or a gay man (whatever) since no "guy" would ever do this to another guy.

Men's communications and translation

-Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my penis size
-I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?
-I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
-I'll give you a call. = You'll never see/talk to me again.
-I'm a Romantic. = I'm broke.
-I think we should just be friends = Gah! You're ugly.
-Haven't I seen you before? = Nice dumper.
-I have something to tell you. = Get tested.
-You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
-We've been through so much together = If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity.
-I've learned a lot from you. = I want to break up
-I want you back = My mistress left me
-I miss you so much = I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
-Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.
-Do you really love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
-How much do you love me? = I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.
-She's kinda cute. = I want to have sex with her till I am black & blue.
-I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me.
-I really want to get to know you better = So I can brag about it to my friends
-How do I compare with all you other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?
-I know where I am = Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
-I need new shoes = The pair that I've had since high school fell apart in the rain.
-The remote is broken = Come here wherever you are and change the channel for me.
-I'm hungry = Make me something to eat, I'm hungry
-This kitchen is so inconvenient = I can't see the TV from here.
-The dishwasher is full = I've run out of places to hide the dirty dishes.
-It's your decision = I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just take half the credit.
-We need to talk = I need to complain.
-Sure,... go ahead = I don't want you to....but.... I'll use this next time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
-You're,... so feminine = Do you do laundry... cook...windows...bake?
-You want... = I know what I want.
-We need... = I want.
-Do what you want = I'll just sit on the couch.
-I'm feeling romantic tonight = There's no game on tonight.
-I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! = I found a clump of my hair in the shower!
-I had her = I had (wet dreams about) her all week

As you can see the reoccuring themes here are sex and food with some sports thrown in. Now to be fair, men are usually not this lazy or superficial and actually are rather useful and intelligent, but complicated - no. With women you need a Masters class and a Anthropological degree with a minor in Culture and Languages. With men you need to be good looking and know how to cook. Really, we're simple creatures. I'm not baffled why men can't figure out women, since men rarely have the compunction to figure out the DVD player. What baffles me are women saying they don't understand men - now THAT I really don't understand - unless that statement was part of a "blonde joke".