Political Characterizations

So how did David Catrow from the Springfield (Ohio) Sun News come up with his characterization of G.W. Bush?



Was it a 32" Pepperoni pizza nightmare after watching the colorized version of the Wizard of Oz? His Bio doesn't show anything out of the ordinary other than he has a "dark biting humor". Possibly a Dr. Seuss fixation?


Of course some cartoonists rely on whit and content





And then of course we have the "picture that tells a thousand words", or in this case, is closer to the truth (about the media) than a cartoon really should be

Manspeak or "It's so simple"

Really - what women really mean when they communicate is more like an ancient language that is just as much art as it is science to translate. Many different cues and clues need to be taken into account when communicating with women in order to properly decipher their true meaning. For example:

Woman: I think we should take a vacation.

A simple request and sentence with simple english associated with it. A typical man would think, "Ah, I guess she wants to go on vacation!" Braaap! Wrong. Here's what you should do in case this ever comes up in a conversation:

Step 1: What is she doing when she made that statement?
- Is she looking at a vacation book or a womans magazine? If so, this may be a passing comment without real merit. Question her further in a day or two to see if she's really serious. (See step 4 on what to do then). Humor her, even if you just spent the last $200 at the go-go bar the night before. Look interested.

Step 2: Is she near you and/or is this after a serious conversation (snuggling/kissing involved).
- Take this more seriously - complement her on her insight and say how wonderful she is even if that $200 above is still true. This may mean you'll need to accompany her to the travel agent or shell out $50 for a bunch of travel magazines. Tell her you'll look up some prices on the net.

Step 3: Was she looking straight at you when she made the statement?
- If yes, do the things in Step 2. If no, blow it off until it comes up again (and it probably will if she's serious or not).

Step 4: She mentions the vacation again after a few days, and her body language seems serious and she's looking at you when she makes the statment.
- Okay, this may mean that she really wants to go on a vacation, but you can't be 100% sure yet. Start mentioning specifics like "the super bowl" or the "Ford Museum" or "Indy 500" and see what she says. If she agrees or nods with any of those, she's obviously drunk or not really serious (or possibly a man). If she counters with "like hell..." or "how about Cancun" see Step 5.

Step 5: It's now 7-10 days after the initial mention of a vacation. Fake her out by telling her you've booked a cruise to the Cancun and have to finalize everything with the travel agent:
- If you actually did this, it's a 50-50 shot that she'll argue with you that you don't have enough money, that she can't take time off from work, or that no one is available to watch the cat/dog/hamster (whatever). This could mean 2 things:
A.)She's pissed because you did this on your own and she wouldn't be caught dead in the Bahamas and really wanted to go to Belize, and how could you be so stupid to think that she wanted to go to Cancun after the last time she was sick for a week and got sun poisoning and how could you be so selfish to not ask her first! Boy did you screw up!
B.)She wasn't really serious and where did you get a crazy idea that she wanted to go on vacation? Who's going to ______. (Fill in the blank). Most of these conversations end with something you did/said 10 years ago or more, while talking on the phone to her after a weekend bender with your fraternity, and "you don't listen to me at all do you? After all this time you still don't know me." Uh-huh.
- If she's happy about you making these plans this could be 2 of the most popular answers:
C.)She really wanted to go on vacation! (Bravo - you got lucky!)
D.) She's being magnanomous and is acting like she's happy because you really are clueless and she doesn't want to shatter your already fragile ego.

As you can see, daily communication with a woman about domestic issues can be quite challenging. I would suggest getting a degree in animal husbandry before even attempting to speak with a woman about such advanced subjects as "a vacation". Some other conversations to avoid are (short list):
- In laws (or family of any kind)
- Money
- Her friends
- Her ex boyfriends
- Her appearance (really, don't even attempt this unless you've got 10 years + experience.
- Vacation (see example above)
- Housework
- Drinking (beer brewing, buying, selling or consuming of...)
- Sporting events (Live or televised)
- What happened at work today (you must be interested in their stories, they snooze on yours)


As you can see, there are many pitfalls when communicating with women. Which leads us to:

HOW MEN COMMUNICATE

This is fairly simple. Men use the WYSIWYG method. If they say, "I want to go on vacation" for example, the meaning translates to, "I want to go on vacation and have sex and eat." Keep a man oversexed and fed, he's yours for life. Really simple. He'll put up with a lot of other stuff to even consider leaving. So with that, I've copied and pasted from another website without their permission, the Mens version of translated communication. Obviously this was written by a woman or a gay man (whatever) since no "guy" would ever do this to another guy.

Men's communications and translation

-Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my penis size
-I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?
-I've been thinking a lot. = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
-I'll give you a call. = You'll never see/talk to me again.
-I'm a Romantic. = I'm broke.
-I think we should just be friends = Gah! You're ugly.
-Haven't I seen you before? = Nice dumper.
-I have something to tell you. = Get tested.
-You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
-We've been through so much together = If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity.
-I've learned a lot from you. = I want to break up
-I want you back = My mistress left me
-I miss you so much = I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good
-Do you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.
-Do you really love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
-How much do you love me? = I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.
-She's kinda cute. = I want to have sex with her till I am black & blue.
-I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me.
-I really want to get to know you better = So I can brag about it to my friends
-How do I compare with all you other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?
-I know where I am = Oh God! Where the HELL am I?
-I need new shoes = The pair that I've had since high school fell apart in the rain.
-The remote is broken = Come here wherever you are and change the channel for me.
-I'm hungry = Make me something to eat, I'm hungry
-This kitchen is so inconvenient = I can't see the TV from here.
-The dishwasher is full = I've run out of places to hide the dirty dishes.
-It's your decision = I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll just take half the credit.
-We need to talk = I need to complain.
-Sure,... go ahead = I don't want you to....but.... I'll use this next time we fight, to show how supportive I am.
-You're,... so feminine = Do you do laundry... cook...windows...bake?
-You want... = I know what I want.
-We need... = I want.
-Do what you want = I'll just sit on the couch.
-I'm feeling romantic tonight = There's no game on tonight.
-I'm not emotional! And I'm not over-reacting! = I found a clump of my hair in the shower!
-I had her = I had (wet dreams about) her all week

As you can see the reoccuring themes here are sex and food with some sports thrown in. Now to be fair, men are usually not this lazy or superficial and actually are rather useful and intelligent, but complicated - no. With women you need a Masters class and a Anthropological degree with a minor in Culture and Languages. With men you need to be good looking and know how to cook. Really, we're simple creatures. I'm not baffled why men can't figure out women, since men rarely have the compunction to figure out the DVD player. What baffles me are women saying they don't understand men - now THAT I really don't understand - unless that statement was part of a "blonde joke".

Breakthrough on Women!

It's finally happened. All those impossible cues, the misdirection and double-speak men just never seem to understand has been (at least partially) decoded. That's right, even during down time in WWII, the codebreakers in Britain were unable to fathom the complex cues and codes women used to communicate. Now, it's starting to become clear. Of course there's also a male version, which I will also post at a later time, but for now, I'm giddy with excitement to try these out. Granted, scientists probably know more dolphin words translated from those clicks and snaps - but hey, it's a start! If they don't work, it's not my fault... really. Don't email. I'm serious.

Translation Start

--You want = You want

--We need = I want

--It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

--Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

--We need to talk = I need to complain

--Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

--I'm hungry = (a) Make me something to eat (b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your last $5, and go drive across town and get me something to eat. -- I don't care if what you are doing is important.

--I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.

--You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

--You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?

--I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

--Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

--This kitchen is so…inconvenient = I want a new house.

--The car is empty = Go fill it up

--The trash is full = Take it out

--The dog is barking = Go outside in your underwear and see what is wrong

--I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

--I need wedding shoes = The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

--Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

--I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

--Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

--How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

--I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

--Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

--You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

--Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

--Please walk me home = Let's go make out.

--It's all right, dear. = You'll pay for this.

--Yes = No

--No = No

--Maybe = No

--I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

--Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get use to it.

--Was that the baby ? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

--I'm not yelling ! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

--All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOSH there's a sale in lingerie, and wouldn't these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?


In response to "What's Wrong?":

--The same old thing. = Nothing.

--Nothing. = Everything.

--Everything. = My PMS is acting up.

--Nothing, really. = It's just that you're such an _______.

--I don't want to talk about it. = Go away, I'm still building up steam.

--What makes you think there is something wrong? = I'm going to kill you.

--Let's go on vacation, like a cruise or Tuscany = We can't afford to go on vacation! Mother was right about you all along!

Smelly cat

How to break it to a person that they stink and still remain on speaking terms? Should I just leave a bar a soap on their chair with a typed note saying: "USE IT". Strong enough of a hint or no?

Farters - fart silently in a chair at work or walk outside and get it out of your system? Do you need to do a small fart test first to see how smelly it is to decide? Do all men after the age of 32 seem to fart more than normal? Why is it that when going to a Dr. for this condition they tell you to "eat more fiber"? Don't they know that more fiber makes you fart MORE!?

Why is it that we can provide all sorts of cosmetic surgery such as chin, breast, butt, cheekbone and eyebrow implants as well as all sorts of nose craftings to make people look beautiful, but yet, still need a large black cylindrical shaft to be shoved up one's ass to do a colonoscopy? Thank God for general anesthetics eh?

Since when did FHM magazine make British women beautiful and sexy? Didn't they have the "bad teeth award" for the past few decades or was that a myth? The games they have listed there however are quite good.

The Bi-Partisan Presidency

Something I will give John Kerry credit for: He was open to the option of having a Republican VP. This isn't a new idea, as originally the winner of the Presidential run would become President and the looser would become the VP. Look here for some interesting historical facts about this.

Why isn't the government putting the best people for the job in place? Sure I know the party system has worked now for say the last 180+ years or so, but who cares? Can't we tell our government officials we want a change?

I gotta admit, I would have liked to see McCain be the (R) VP and Kerry the (D) President. It would have shown the rest of the country that forward thinking and putting politics aside is what's needed, and not decision making down party lines.

A disturbing future

At 73, George Soros is trying to change America by "buying" it. While there's lots of information both pro and con about Soros, I as a moderate liberal find him disturbing on many levels. Something that very much disturbs me is his clear want to legalize drugs and disarm every American. I get night sweats and thoughts of Hitler - Soros is Hungarian by the way. Read more about him (in a fairly objective way) here. If there ever was a basis in conspiracy theory, I'd be very afraid of this man. One can only be thankful that Ted Kennedy and George Soros are human and therefore have a limited lifespan.

The second portion of concern by me is the insurgence (and I used that word on purpose) of the United Nations on everyday American life. Here's what threatens me about that - that governments of other nations would affect what I did, could do or thought - even on an infintesimal level. That undermines the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence of other nations. The connection between disarming the public, going to a Socialist Democratic model run by the Democrats frankly, concerns the hell out of me. The checks and balances in the American government are there for a purpose. There are gives and takes that are necessary so that a balance of power can be maintained and so that one group's agenda does not completely overtake the others. This provides much entertainment but more than that, it keeps the general population from exploding. Once one group takes complete power and has full influence, the others feel oppressed then get violent once they are ignored. I like that we have a tmo party system - a THREE party system would be better, but that's not possible right now. I fear either the Republicans or Democrats having too much influence and power. Republicans would force their beliefs and values on those who want the freedom to choose (free will), and the Democrats would take away freedoms of those who want to choose for what they (Democrats) believe is "our own good". That the Democrats believe they are so much superior and smarter than us dumb citizens, and want to protect us because we are so much stupider and weaker than they are, really upsets me. I'd rather Moonies pray on me than have my choices taken away "for my own good".

The U.N. is weak, powerless and not what I want running my life. I also don't want Pol-Pot running America, nor Stalin or Hitler. Can't we have something in the middle?

WARNING!!!!

Here's something that may be too scary, so for those of you with a weak heart or stomach, please turn away!


HILLARY FOR 2008!! WOOO HOOO!




And now...

Olympic Disappointment

Yes the US is leading in the medal count, but we're also leading in the "most embarassing" Olympic moments as well. Not that everything has been an embarassment. Certainly US swimming is strong, as is the gymnastics arena. Track & Field was "OK" only, but the two words that I'm trying to get to are: MARDY FISH.

Sure he's a no one in the tennis world. Best ITF ranking was at 17, as of 2003 was ranked 20, and is currently ranked number 49 in the world. He's a clay court player mostly but made it to the gold medal round against a tired and cramping Nicolas Massau from Chile. Massau played 20 hours of tennis in 8 days, and was on his last legs at the start of the match. Fish noticed in the second game of the first set that Massau was ready to keel over, was cramping and was stumbling around the tennis court. Fish was unable to put him away and ultimately double faulted so many times and produced a HUGE amount of unforced errors that he lost the match to Massau who was playing on one leg, one arm and his raquet in his mouth. It was painful to watch but none the less, interesting to watch a tennis "pro" slowly beat himself against an inadequate opponent. I could only think that if Massau was at full strength, Fish would have lost soundly 6-0, 6-0, 6-0 to Massau. This probably will go down in history as one of the biggest all time chokes.



The US mens basketball team however, is an all together different but equally embarassing choke. Highly paid professional players who are paid millions to play every year and who are supposed to be the best of the best get trounced by Italy. WHO!?? Yes, Italy.

(Cologne, Germany) (AP)
"They're going to be in for a lot of lessons for the next few weeks," U.S. coach Larry Brown said. "It's a young team, and it's a different game internationally."

Ahh... no it's not. The game is still "put the ball in the basket" right? So what's the problem? These players don't want to jeopardize their "Phat new ride yo." or possibly pull a hamstring. Besides, their not motivated - their not getting any more money for representing their country right? Hell, I'd suspect half of them are too busy to get some Greek trim in and around the olympic grounds to be much worried about making 3 pointers from the outside. The US will face tough opposition in their next bout and may be eliminated by this team:


Let's hope they can beat the odds and not embarass themselves too much. Hey, maybe we can get those little guys on the US team for 2008!

New California Drivers Licenses

As usual the newest things start in California! So here's the newest DL's. I'm sure the rest of the country will be adopting them sometime soon ...

Stream of Unconciousness

Kerry the Swiftboat Captain: A new Spongebob spinoff coming soon to the Cartoon Network. Show 1: Cartoon Kerry stubs his toe at the Krusty Krab and Spongebob swears it was a Vietcong soldier who hit Kerry with a rifle butt while under heavy fire from the Chum Bucket. Kerry's superiors put him up for the CMH, so they don't have to hear his whining for the next 20 years.

The U.S. is leading in the overall Olympic medal count! WOOT! Saw the badminton gold match. Never new a shuttlecock could a.) fly that fast b.) was so naughty to say.

Can we please bomb the hell out of Najaf already? CNN this morning 8/20: "This militia group in Iraq really has given the greatest military power on earth a run for it's money..." Of course it has - it's political, it's not military. We can't harm the little mosque where all the bombs, guns, RPG's and bad guys are. Our soldiers are fighting with both hands and a foot tied behind their backs. Besides, when we shoot a terrorist, don't we have to send cards and flowers to their families and provide a public apology too? SOMEONE DIG UP PATTON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD AND LET'S GET THIS THING DONE ALREADY!!

Monkey's don't have a spincter which is why they crap at a whim and need diapers. That's one for the trivia file.

Hydrogen fuel cells! Invest now and let's get off our Oil dependency!

U.S. Olympic women's softball. Overpowering. 77 victories in a row. Outscores opposition 41-0.

I've been converted from a hockey player to an International Beach Volleyball fan. As a friend said after viewing the pic below: "GO BRASIL!"

Selling the U.N.

Really. The Dems trying to sell me that Bush has broken apart a wonderful alliance of nations isn't swaying me. Let's get something straight - the U.S. is the number one nation in the world. People emmigrate to the U.S., not to Bulgaria or Cuba. Everyone wants to come here - because we have a higher quality of life, rights to be upheld and ideas to be shared without fear of retribution.

Our wonderful allies like Schroeder who ran and won Germany's election on an "anti-American" campaign is something we want to continue? Chirac is such a buddy to the U.S. we must do everything to keep that relationship in one piece right? This is the same U.N. that put Iraq in charge of "humanitarian" issues around the world.

As an undecided voter, I'm getting decided very quickly. War record or not, Kerry seems weak. Why do we want that again? Stem cells research issue - sure. Economic deficit - yes. Enviornmental safety and a plan to clean up our world - absolutely. But don't hand me this garbage that we have to bring our buddy's across the pond back in the fold. They hate us, almost as much as Al-Queda. So why are we doing this again?
.

Internet vs. Real Life

One of the funniest things I've seen to date. If it wasn't for the masturbation references this could probably be used for educational purposes about the internet.

http://www.luniticfringe.net/~blade/contents/rlvi.wmv

For those of you who don't know what this is from, it's from a game called "Halo".

Everyone's watching the Olympics right? RIGHT!??

Freak trial of the Century

Everyone knows the kid from school who just wasn't quite right. He wasn't retarded and didn't take the funny bus (we called funny bus the "tart cart") home, but he was eccentric, unusual. Later on in high school, he was the one dressing Goth to look tough, smoked a lot of weed and watched "Pink Floyd: The Wall" about a billion times. This weirdness was carried out as the jocks would pick on the poor kid. Back then it wasn't a big deal - now the weird kid brings in an UZI and fills you full of lead then blows his brains out on the gym floor.

The freak shows that occur today are just a part of growing up. The freak show that's going on in Santa Maria, CA with Michael Jackson is a Carney wet dream. I found a particular quote from CNN's morning show that said "Jackson is showing up today in court to basically "eye ball" the prosecutor".

Now, while funny in one way, it's a little freakish (in a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" way) in another. Can you imagine Michael Jackson trying to eye ball anyone down? I would think he'd be afraid his face would slide right off his skull and "PLOP!" on the floor.

The story also mentioned he (Jackson) went to the preeminent Los Angeles Black Church before hand. I'm surprised he didn't visit a Catholic father and trade notes and "boy toy" stories? Someone like Archbishop Ramone Sanchez from New Mexico who stated in 1991, “I did not understand (the sexual molestation of a child) to be a crime. I considered it to be a moral infraction of (a priest's) own life, and it was an offense against a child."

Really. Where else would that kind of crap work? Well, how about with Michael Jackson for instance? He's paid off multiple people to not bring charges against him. He sleeps with boys in his bed. Let me repeat that. He's 40+ years old, changed his skin color, is a multi-millionaire, built an amusement park at his home to attract children, and sleeps with boys in his bed. Not little girls... no no, boys. This guy isn't a freak. I wouldn't insult the freaks of this world by putting Jackson in their same category; they don't deserve that!

He's a homosexual pedophile people. Sure he's a talented musician and has been all of his life. But he's got multiple wires crossed (probably from all those chemicals that bleached his skin white) and preys on boys. What's truly amazing is that parents still allow their children to be around him. Now THAT my friends are some sicko parents. Where's DYFS when you need them!? Why don't those parents just sell their kids to be prostitutes for crying out loud!

Nothing could be more like watching a circus than this impending trial. Oh oh! Wait! I just had a million dollar idea! When Jacko gets put away in the big house, I'll start a reality show following Jackson around prison while he's traded for cigarettes.

And this week, Jackson appears in his own hellish version of HBO's hit show "OZ". In prison, everyone can hear you scream!

Eye for an eye you sick-o molester freak show.

Welcome & Introductions

Welcome welcome welcome.
Since the first write up I stupidly typed in was lost by this wonderful blog interface (i.e. the stupid thing disappeared when I tried to highlight it) I want to welcome you to my little spot of the blog world for the SECOND TIME.
To highlight what I mentioned the first time I wrote this section, I wanted to christen this blog, among the billions of other blogs and to add more blogs to the already over blogged blogging that blogs normally. Really, thank blogging blog for blogs, eh?
I can predict, with some certainty that this blog won't be fluffy bunnies and flowers with an optomistic viewpoint on the world, its future and those saintly souls who live in it. No no no. Boring. If one wants to read that sort of thing, I would think watching ones toenails growing would also be right up there on the "fun things to do" list. But what I've learned is that most people don't want to read about nice things or good things. People want to complain about something or someone. They want an outlet and blogging is just the ticket eh? The perverbial paper airplane sent across the class room with a big middle finger sticking out of it for all to see.
My father would have had a "colorful euphamism" about blogging were he still alive; "Opinions are like assholes. Everyone's got one." So true. But where the man on the street wearing the sandwich board that says "Repent, the end is near!" was always ignored, today he can go to an internet cafe, order a Starbucks Mocha Skinny and blog "Repent, the end is near" and people would believe him. I'm waiting for the blog that says, "Will blog for food." Perhaps I'm too late and it already exists.
So what's this blog about eh? What wonderful words of wisdom will I share with the millions of internet downloaders of por... er... world wide web surfers that will help them cope with everyday life, uplift their spirits and make them a better person. If that's what's expected, I believe you want to go to a different blog. I'll point out the obvious, make slanderous and wild accusations, provide supporting documentation from "questionable" sources, and provide my two cents about all of it. Agree or disagree that's your choice. My suggestions for changing the world I live in may not apply to you, or you may not agree with my point of view. To that I have one thing to say: Go get your own cup of Starbucks and start your own blog. Pffft.
Who am I? No one of consequence or am I? Could I be someone famous? Possibly. Someone powerful in the world of politics or someone who commands life and death decisions affecting million. Err.. no. Have I ever danced with the devil under the pale moonlight? Definately not - devils give me a rash (and yes, that was a hockey reference. Way to go if you saw that coming and knew it was also a famous movie quote and a portion of a Meatloaf song). Nothing is safe from my mindless drivel and scorn. Praise is not easily given and it takes a little doing to impress me.
Now, shove off until I have something to write about. You've hung around here long enough. Off with you now...Go...shoo.